November 24, 2005
Can I get some damn fire please?
I am a crappy Corsican.
Why?
Because I can’t make a freaking fire in our freaking fireplace. 
Over an hour I spent trying to get a flame going… but no.. the corsican fire gods scoffed and spat on my effort. Perhaps literally. No fire for you!
Personally, I think it’s the wood. You see, I’m using compressed lumber that was kindly donated to us by my cousin, who felt sorry that we didn’t yet use our fireplace since now Corsica is Land Of The Cold. (Well, it isn’t really.. but *they* think anything below 17 degrees Celsius is just Cold…)
Anyway, he went to visit his friend and then stopped by our place today and we unloaded about 2 big boxes of this wood he got for me. Basically, they are "end pieces" from his friends woodshop. It’s lumber, like the kind you would make big roof rafters out of. (Think 8" by 8" huge blocks of wood cut into pieces about 2 feet long each.) Did I mention that the wood is wet?
But.. I’m still a bit discouraged nonetheless. After all, I have my pyrotechnic license for crying out loud. I am a certified fire maker. I *love* fire. Fire loves me. We have a relationship. A friendship. An agreement. I will love fire and nurture it and make it big and strong. Fire just has to show up.
Damn fire.
So what is it? What am I doing wrong? Is it the wood or is there some kind of trick to making a fire in a fireplace or something? Is there a secret Corsican fire starting ritual that I didn’t perform? I used paper… I used small little wood pieces that I sort of chipped off from the blocks of wood… I even stole a few "normal" pieces of branches from my Uncles stash of wood. (Shhh)
The problem is that the fire starts up, and even crackles and pops for a while. But then it slowly begins to wither and finally dies after a while. If I blow on it… it gets bigger of course.. but then I start getting dizzy and I don’t want to pass out and wake up in the hospital as a roasted Henri-kabob.
Tomorrow I’m going to stuff my incredible sense of humility into the closet and call my Uncle to see if he’ll let me watch him light his fire in his own fireplace. I’m sure he’ll laugh at me and make a few jokes out of it.. in fact I know this will be a running joke for a while… but you know what? Electrical heat is expensive, and my desire to save money on heating is higher then my desire to retain my pride.
Besides, I can always prove my firestarting abilities at a later date by showing him how to make a home-made flamethrower. He’ll like that.
Wish me luck! I hope he shows me nice and slow (like when he’s teaching me a new French word), because I don’t want to miss any slight-of-hand super secret tricks. Maybe he uses special matches? I don’t know. I still think the problem is the wood.
If I can’t get it after watching him, then I’m resorting to lighter fluid. Pretty sure that’ll work. And hey, the house is made out of concrete so what’s the worst that can happen. Yes, I have medical insurance.
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Sounds like you should use my brother’s suggestion: Lighter fluid filled tennis balls - They shouldn’t sputter out :)
Dave C.
Dude……
it’s simple….
1.)Do exactly what you’ve been doing. (Minus the blowing part….replace the following steps for the blowing)
2.)Get a bottle of propane (one of those small hand held ones for camping).
3.) Attach the blow torch thingy to it. (If you have one)
4.) Light it
5.) HOLD IT TO THE #$$@#&&(* WOOD….for as long as it takes.
Trust me this will work :)
I told you before… use tennis balls filled with lighter fluid… worked when we were kids and we kicked the dumb things to each other and then one of us would end up with a shoe on fire when the rubber finally melted.
BTW: you may not know this but Energy Mines and Resources doesn’t run the pyro license program anymore. There’s a new federal dept that handles 7.2.1 pyro tickets and unless you get it renewed every year, you no longer have a pyro ticket. If the fire gods are to blame, this is probably why… you don’t have a valid license!!!
Dammit. I knew there was a reason. I must offer a burnt sacrifice and hope the fire gods forgive me for not renewing my ticket.
I hope they like chicken, because that’s all they’re freaking getting!
I think it’s the wood. Pressed wood is the worst for lighting fires. And if it’s wet? Ohh.. that’s even worse. I remember last year, we had wet wood and it was so hard to get the fire to start and keep going. I would have dizzy spells from blowing on it. I feel your pain. I think it’s the wood.
Where does your uncle get his wood from? You should get a new supply. That’s my vote.
I also develop a relationship with my fire. We are friends, partners. I feel like I have won something when the fire roars.
Yes, Corrie is absolutely right. Wet wood will never get you a fire. My (Corsican) friend Paul was reminding me just last night how, a few years ago, I was trying to heat our house with wood which was crying tears out of each end of the logs. Since then he keeps me in wood! You need a bit of a mix: evergreen oak logs because they give a good steady heat and keep going for a long time, and dryer smaller stuff (arbutus perhaps or left over wood from DIY jobs or, IF you have an enclosed fire or insert? dead chestnut is superb) to get the fire going.
And no rush for the ADSL questions. Absolutely NOT priority.
>>roasted Henri-kabob…
ha ha. um, ew, that’s gross. i sure wouldn’t let you get that toasty. maybe a little bit singed is all. especially if it burned off the mullet you seem to be growing lately.
When we were a kids, for making a fire started, we used pair drops of spirit, oil or gasoline (in this case not the best smell). It worked… Sometimes much more than it was required.
If any of you are interested, I found a good website that explains a lot of how “it works”. (My favorite type of site.)
www.woodheat.org
I particularily found this page interesting:
www.woodheat.org/outdoorair/outdoorairmyth.htm
(Interesting, because in the back wall behind our chimney is a BIG HOLE that goes right to the outside. So basically, we have a useless (according to this article) 6″ round hole that pretty much does nothing except allow warmer air from inside to go outside.)
nfl picks waw nfl picks waw best-nfl-picks.blogspot.comwaw
porno movies porno movies